Has the World Ended?

Hello! I dun know why I put this title up but emm, it just popped up in my mind...

The last week or so had been very challenging for me both emotionally and financially. I had to cope with not having any closing at sight and manage my ever decreasing financial situation. I really hope that a solution or solutions comes up soon before I think of killing myself or do something stupid (seriously, I dun have the guts to kill myself).

Today morning - I woke up to find out that my Ebay account had been suspended.. not one but 4 accounts. Yes, it was suspended for shill bidding which means artificially pushing up the bids. Not to defend myself but almost everyone does it to protect their interest, would you want to sell something that you pay $100 for miserly 99 cents? Anyway, I shouldn't complain since what I doing wasn't right for a start. There goes my additional income or at the present moment, my only source of funding.. $$$$$

Yesterday night - I tried to on my PC but the power supply kept going off so I figure that it happens before maybe due to some loose connections and decided to go and take a shower before I try again. Emm, after I had a good nice shower, I proceeded to plug in and out the power cables and on my PC again.. The next time that happens got me dumbfounded... On the screen it says that the windows start-up file is missing or corrupted and asked me to reinstall windows... first thing that comes in mind is the amount of data I had in my PC.. my work for the last 5 years or more... OH MY GOD!!!! The next thing I had in mind is to remove the harddisk and send it to someone to see if the data is still available, I am keeping my finger crossed that only the windows files is corrupted and not the whole disc... I also used my laptop to ask my closest friend, Jevin, for help, only to be subjected to sarcasm from him, telling me that he kept on telling me to back up my data.. ya as if I know how to back up or I got some spare harddisc or something, then he told me that I can burn the data into CDs... yes, he is always right and he is the ONLY person that is good with all this PC stuff.... to avoid his sarcasm, which is the last thing I need at the moment, I logged off from MSN immediately only to have him to message me with the same message...

Last week - dun really wanna mentioned it, to keep it short, I was planning to take drastic measures to meet my financial needs and decided to speak to my manager. I opened my heart to him and tell him frankly of my financial situation.... and the rest of the story goes on.... at the end, he asked me to make a decision on what I am going to do next... before I left the room, I thanked him for his guidance and support.. emm....

Self-confession - To those who wants to congrats me, I received my $22k worth of paper yesterday evening (my degree to be exact). It rings in my mind that I worked hard and saved hard to get this paper but emm, I never did actually make it to good use.. should I?

Pity those who are weak in mind, body and soul... and finance also...

McLee

Policy Of Truth

Hello. I just realised that I have not updated my Blog for the past 2 weeks when I woke up this morning. I had the sudden urge to update my Blog so that I can remember what I have in mind now..

THE POLICY OF TRUTH - I have been a very very big Depeche Mode fan since my secondary school days. In those days, I like their music becos of all the synthsizer stuff and the bass, never actually paying attention to the meaning of the lyrics. Recently while I am listening to their music and pay attention to their lyrics, I find it to be really meaningful.

You had something to hide
Should have hidden it, shouldn't you
Now you're not satisfied
With what you're being put through

Its just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth

Things could be so different now
It used to be so civilised
You will always wonder how
It could have been if you only lied

Its too late to change events
Its time to face the consequence
For delivering the proof
In the policy of truth

Never againIs what you swore
The time before
Never againIs what you swore
The time before

Now youre standing there tongue tied
You better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell

You'll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth

Never again Is what you swore
The time before
Never againIs what you swore
The time before

Am I paying the price for not listening to advice and deciding on my youth? Maybe yes, maybe no. Good advice is seriously hard to cme by and when a good advice is given by someone around you, you may not think that it is such a good advice. My problems is seriously multiplying.. and I dunno how to resolve it.

For a start, I made the naive mistake again of not confirming the job scope, pay structure for my new job. I had assume (ass-u-me) that the comission I earned from my sales will be given to be in a lump sum, supposively a policy with an annual premium of $2400, I had assume that I would instantly earned $1200 and this would be paid to be in a lump sum on the next pay day. How naive! I just realise that this will only happens if the client paid the premium in yearly mode. For those monthly mode, you will have to divide it into 12 mths and that is what you get every month.

I did a quick maths on the outstanding cases that I have, supposively I can close all $12000 API, I would earned $500 a month for a year. Emm, that is when reality kicks in, I need at least $2500 to survive each month. Even with the $1500 allowance that I loan from the agency, it is not enough. To put it in actual fact, the loan for the allowance is stacking up and what I am earning is seriously not sufficient for me to survive.

I am currently close to $40000 in debts and I need to pay off the minimum sum of $1500 each month at least.. I just realise a week ago that I have no more money in my bank account and there are tonnes of bills to be paid. I had to made a bank overdraft last week to pay off some bills and for my own expenditures. I had also started selling my personal depeche mode collection, which sadden me a lot, so that I can get some money. What's next? Maybe I will pawn away my gold jewellery this week, should be able to get $900 to $1000 from there.. then after that how? Maybe I will digged out my piggy bank and use the money or use my old bird series notes... or maybe.. I should get a paid job...

On the lighter side of things, my ex-classmate called me to congrats me for graduating last saturday. My graduation ceremony was last saturday but for some excuses, I did not attend. Perhaps it is the cost of renting the gown and the photography, or is it the hassle of dressing up and going for the event? Whatever the reason, after talking to my ex-classmates, I realise that I had missed a life event that will never be repeated again. Eh, Meng Chye, graduation leh... why you never attended? emm, perhaps, becos nobody really bothers whether I graduate or not, my parents never cares, emm, perhaps it is becos I never asked...