Live to Regret

It had been a long time. Well, after the last post, we did get back together again. She messaged me in the middle of my ICT in January and we meet to talk. She asked for a chance but emm, I was not so certain until her dad called in the middle of our conversation. Perfect timing, he asked me if I coming down to Taiping for the Chinese New Year, I did not promise him but said I will try. My hear went soft again and I decided to give her a chance. No compromise was made and I hope this time it will goes well. However, a few days later, I wanted to give her surprise, brought dinner and waited for her at her block. Message her but no reply, call her but no reply. Then I remember it is Wednesday, stupid me, maybe she have class. Never mind just wish her happy birthday, again no reply so stupid me hang the food outside her house and went home. Waited the whole night but she never call or message. What happened? Next morning, receive a message, said she left her phone in company and she cannot contact me because she cannot remember my phoone number? After 2 years and she dun even remember my phone number, a bit suprising and hard to swallow on my end. We meet up again to thrash thing out, again she asked me to give her a chance and that she will improve. We made up again and went for a post birthday dinner.

I spoke to some close friends about my relationship and they always asked me to be patience and more tolerance but I believe it takes 2 person for a relationship to work. I tried to compromise these few month that we get back together and tried hard to show my care for her. But it seems superficial to her, as if all of this is normal. I started to feel unappreciated but old myself to give her more time. The come April and I was diagnose to be diabetic, to be it seems like a death sentence, an incurable disease. Call her and she dun even like she is concerned at all, just told me "welcome to the club" (her father is also a diabetic). After these she did not even made an effort to make me feel better, in fact, she often mentioned about herself going to take something sweet without even considering about how I feel. Called and asked her if she is want to come over for dinner or free to meet for lunch and her sarcastic reply was alway" it is o.k, you are tired better get some rest" or "dun bother you mother, I can have my own dinner". When I called her at night, sometimes she did not picked up the phone at all. Later she will just msg me and told me that her phone is in silent mode, or she is tired and wanted to rest, or she is on the way home. I am fine with these but told her to keep her phone on when at home and to msg me if she is tired and also to msg me when she is home late. I even told her that she can called me in the evening like what we used to do but she told me " dun want to disturb you". This is just getting frustrating. Was it my fault? Maybe.

I shared with her how my diabetic condition will effect my health, I will get tired easily and of course I also need to go for diet. I dun feel like going out too often cos I missed eating all the food, so asked her to come over but she always gave reasons stating "dun want to disturb you" or "clean up your room first". Does it sound unreasonably, maybe not, maybe it is just my problem. I just wanted to see her and spend time with her but she dun doesn't seem to understand. I feel that we are drifting further and further apart.

I tell myself it is time to let go. It will be better that we go ahead with our own lives rather than making the lives of 2 person miserable. No more arguements, no more unhappines, no need to compromise with each other anymore, live free.

Tomorrow is her big day, she is graduating tomorrow. I will no longer be part of her life, I will be back at my office, doing my daily chores at office. I will not feel bad, it is just part of life. Meng Chye, be strong and time will heal your sorrows and disappointments. Take care SY and may all things goes well for you. I will no longer be there for you, so be free and live happy.....

31-12-2010 - Another Year..

Well, how time flies.. it is the last day of the year again. How have I been this year? Not so bad, I suppose.

For start, she had not called me since we came back from our Vietnam trip. I finally blown my top and told her off. I am just sick of her Da Xiao Jie attitude. I feel that this is the end. Should I call her and try to work things out again? No, I dun think so. Do I missed her? Yes and No. Yes, I missed the good times we had together but no when I think of all the arguements that we have. Andy was right that I will be soft hearted if she called me but with her stubborn character, I dun think she will ever call to apologize or work things out. Maybe it is good that we continue with our lives without each other, spare ourself the arguements and disappointments. How long more should I wait? I dunno, maybe after the Chinese New Year? I dunno, I have to make this official soon and get on with my life. I may feel lonely at times but emm, it doesn't really bother me that much now. Whatever decision that I make, I should not regret in the future.

On job wise, I am getting more and more comfortable. Good pay, bonus and no one to actually give your stress.. is this good? maybe, I dunno but I think I am sometimes giving myself too much stress by having higher expectation of myself and other people. Based on the feedback given from a recent internal feedback survey, some people think I am not been too nice with my approach when I talk to them. Yes, I think they right but sometime, some people just need someone to talk to them in a nasty manner before things can get done. Sometimes, I just dun understand how this company works, with so many bo chap people around. People who just work using their mouth but no action. Anyway, there are so many issues with the company but many does not matter to me at all. I must learn to ignore issues which have no affect on me. Been too helpful will only put into more trouble, less say not been appreciated. I dunno how long more I will stay in this company but I cannot get myself too comfortable or I will be become complacent and like what they use to say "become more and more stupid".

On the financial wise, I have been paying regularly but emm, the debts does not seem to be reducing. Anyway, I managed to clear quite a chunk with my bonus. I have to set myself some targets to achieve, every outstanding loan cleared is a step to been debt free. Of course there are the distractions of soccer betting, card buying and other unsound indulgence. I dunno but personally if it help to keep my mind clear and reduce my stress, I think it is worth spending.. but not too much. Settling my debts should be the first priority!

What have I been doing during my free time? Well, I tried to do more volunteer work but recently I felt that I have to be more selective instead of been so helpful. Sometimes, it doesn't pay to be so helpful. The recent CDAC back for school bag distribution event is one such example. Been appointed a volunteer leader this year, I felt that I have the added responsibilty to ensure the event goes well. I took leave and offer additional help in printing the pin-ups but emm, ended up I felt I probably have done too much. My partner, the other volunteer leader, doesn't seem to care at all, coming late and going off immediately after the event. Been a responsible person, I just have to clear the stuff myself. Am I pissed off. Definately. But I only have myself to blame. I have to learn to be more selfish and not to make myself so helpful.

I will be turning 35 years old year.. the time for waiting for true love is getting shorter and shorter, maybe I should just remain single.. I aimed to buy a house next year so hope I can afford it and dun need to loan too much money. I have enough of owing money.

Money is always a sensitive issue. Helping a friend by giving a loan to settle his problems may sound the right thing to do but relationship become sour when the friend is not able to pay you. I am glad that this issue with Victor was finally resolved but the damage have been done. I hope we can still be good friends.

Health had been an issue for me. Been done with some health issues basically every month, either it is bad cough, a sore knee, piles and the regular running stomach. I should do more to improve my health since I am getting older.

So what do I hope to achieve in the new year? For a start, I hope to visit more places, this year have been good, I visited Australia and Vietnam. I hope to visit Taiwan and Macau next year and maybe to visit Vietnam again. I should treat myself well and get a break whenever I think deserved it. I did not managed to get a professional certification this year unlike what I did every year. I hope to take up some courses next year, in particular the ISO Lead Auditors Course which I have been craving for the past few years. Maybe a Masters or Specialist course if I can afford it. What else? Emm, I hope to meet someone that deserved my love although I have not completely given up on her, relationships are hard to come by and it should be treasured instead of letting it go so easily. It also have been eight years since I last drive, I think it is time for me to go for a refresher course and maybe if I can afford it, pamper myself with a second car. Maybe.. But settling my debts or reducing my debts to a more manageable amount should be my first priority. I am not into setting new year resolutions but I need to have some to at least give me something to look forward to in the new year.

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011. Forget about the disappointments in the past year and look forward to the wonderful things in the new year. Meng Chye, be happy, be cheerful, dun be so helpful, be healthy, be more money wise, be less tempermental, be more tolerance.. 2011 will be a great year! Happy New Year everyone! Happy New Year My Love, I hope you are doing well.. Take Care!

10-10-10?

Another 5 months had passed and more frustration. What was suppose to be an enjoyable trip to Vietnam ended up with a potential split-up. Yes, I had enough. I finally blown my top and told her how I feel. Yes, I cried when I was saying this as I really dunno what I have done wrong. Why was she always so unhappy? Can't she just take it easy and forget about those small issues like me asking her not move around when I am trying to sleep on the bus to Cu-Chi tunnel. Yes, I know she dun like to be "scolded" as what she always described it but can't she be just be a bit more open-minded and not be so petty over such issues. I dunno but I have done so many things just to make try to make her happy. Take this Vietnam trip as an example, her classmate was getting married and she was invited. When she told me that, I could sense that she really wants to go to Vietnam but could not afford it. So since it was within my means, I proceeded with the trip hoping this will make her happy. But did not expect things to turn out this way. She wanted to talk to me but I told her this is not the right time as whenever it talks, she will change for a while and then be back to her temperamental self again. So I told her to concentrate on her new job and studies while she think through how it is best to proceed with our relationship which was not progressing but instead deteriorating. I also told her of her forever stubborn character which just refuses to accept help when she know she have no one else to turn to and I always ended up clearing the "shit" for her. I told her to call me only when her mind is clear and ready to talk. It had been more than 2 weeks and she had not called. Maybe that call will never come.. I am sad that things have to end this way but den this is life... why torment yourself with someone whom you know does not suit your own character... yes, there are no such thing as getting someone who really match your character but there are such things as a close match.. I have find myself doing stupid things again despite knowing that money is hard to come by.. I have to control and learn my lesson soon..I just cannot carried on like that... I need a change.. a change of my lifestyle.. a change in my approach to things.. I just need to change... Bless my soul...

New Post

Hi... finally a new post after more than 18 months... how am I getting on? ...Well, still in debts but managing well... love life?..o.k, I am attached to someone by emm... all the frustrations and arguements recently is making me think twice if she is the right one for me... guess my marriage plan will have to be shelve... how do I enjoy doing nowadays?.. well, very much the same.. food.. Have I been doing something stupid recently?..yes.. because of all the frustrations, I spent some money on football betting and ended up losing about $150 in the past 2 days....Well.. I guess I will end here now.. I am praying for a better week as well as wondering how I am going to talk to her when she came back from her grandfather's funeral? Am I been to hard on her? I dun think so... well... have a great sunday.. meng chye.. and remember not to do something stupid again..$$$ is hard to earn..

Week 35?

It's been a long time since I last blogged. How have I been doing? Overall, I would say not too bad. There have been disappointments and also happy moments.

On my debt situation, I would say there is hardly any reduction in the debts I owe. Again, self-discipline and control have a part to play. But recently things have beginning to pick up a little, been getting some money from 4D winnings. Yes, I spent quite a fair bit on 4D but emm, a habit die hard and the investment is kinda paying off now. But still maybe I should reconsider... I am also changing my job soon, got a very very good offer and also thinking of the potential sum of money I am going to make next year, I hope I will be able to clear a few credit cards next year. But then action speaks loudly than words, it is up to me to make it happen..

I was telling everyone in my company that it is a tough decision to leave as I really enjoy my time in this company. But then if not considering the pull factor from the new company, which is the pay package. I asked myself a few questions.. advancement prospects? management support? job security? office romance?.. these have been thinking.. I am now an engineer II in my company which is somewhere between senior engineer and engineer, considering the current organisation structure, it will take me a while to reach the manager post but then if we already have a manager and I dun think he is going to go up any higher, which means the advancement prospects is real limited... management support is there but in many occassion, the operational requirements becomes more important than my EH&S requirements, despite reminders and one-to-one coaching, people especially the supervisors are still not following what they are supposed to do and I have to cover up for them or answer for their actions. With pressure from the Corporate, it seems like I am fighting a losing battle... Job security as mentioned earlier may not actually be there, my role is to maintain the corporate requirements and meet the targets and objectives but so far I am struggling to meet these targets as there is hardly any ownership from these so called process owner. End of the day, to make these figures nice, we have to again do some cover up. I also got myself in at least 3 situations where I may get retrenched because of the company code of ethnics, confronting my colleagues/using company resources to do my own work etc. There were also cases of people getting retrenched because of others who "reported" on them. The company may be doing well in terms of sales with order book maybe stretching 10 yrs or more but I dun wanna get myself caught in a situation of been retrenched due to any of the above reasons.. Office romance is something i wanna avoid at all cost. After the mess with the Kellys and Ivys during my navy days, where I have to endure all the gossip and also the awkward situations of having to continue working with the same person, I tell myself that I will not eat and shit at the same place. Sad to say that but there is a handful of gers at my workplace now that I am having serious crush on and since I do not eat and shit at the same place, maybe it is a good thing that I leave but then I hope I can still maintain contact with them and hope things goes well..

Back to the $$$ thing, considering that I am getting a pay increment of 23% plus the company is paying good bonuses and doing well (at least at the present moment), it means that I dun have to work OT anymore to earn the extra money to pay off my debts. And if all work well, it means I will have more free time for myself. My new boss is also holding several portfolios now and also considering his age, I think I would have a better chance of holding a management or higher portfolio compared to where I am working now. Yes, it may all seems to point down to $$$ but I am just trying to be realistic, everyone is working for money isn't that correct? Also consider the fact that my salary increase but more than 50% compared to what I am earning 2 yrs ago, is that not the correct thing to do?

Love life have been ups and downs.. in May Zhu confirmed that she will not be coming and I have a hard time getting over it but then a couple of weeks later, she message me asking me to help her find a job. It then dragged on from telling me that if she come to Singapore I will have to take care of her (of course lah) to settling down in Singapore but then 3 weeks ago, she told me again that she confirmed not coming liao. Boy.. am I sad to hear that after been very positivetha things were beginning to look good. I am still having a hard time getting over it. To add to that, I am also beginning to have some sense of regret as during the time in May when she say she is not coming, I have made up my mind to go over a colleague of mine which was like going well as we were chatting quite o.k on the phone and also we went to a colleague wedding dinner together but emm after she told me she may changed her mind, I stopped all contacts with the colleague. On my, am I stupid or what. Now I am trying to figure out how to start all over again, especially after the company trip to JB, I am becoming more attracted to her. But then, it may be just a crush..

I went for my first real holiday last month to Bangkok, what do I mean by real. As in I am totally free of calls from the company and managed to keep my mind clear of all work related issues. I get myself a local phoneline for contacts with my friends who happened to be also in Bangkok. I spent a lot of time in the hotel sleeping and watching TV without having to miss going to the famous tourist spots like the chinatown, sunday market etc. I even find time to squeeze in a movie. The best part was on the last night, I was sleeping in my room when Mr J called and told me he is now outside my room and asked me to get out for supper. Although it is almost 1 am, the feeling is great as it seems like your friends have come a long way to visit you. Overall it was a good six day break.

In 3 weeks time, I will be going to a new environment with new challenges, new colleagues as well as new opportunies. I am going to miss my current workplace but it is a move I have to make and I am positive that it will be a move for the better. I am not sure who will be reading this but for those people whom I have told them if you need any help or someone to talk to they can find me, I actually meant it. I treasure friendship and hope you too. Take care and live life happy and positive!

Week 6 Lunar New Year

Oh my god, 6 weeks have past into the my 60 weeks debts management plan and I have make little or no progress at all. I have been paying my bills, yes.. I have been spending less on food..maybe..I have tried not to spent unnecessary..no.. I dun think so.. I think I am still overspenting.. on the 4Ds.. emm.. cabs.. cards? emm, what else? Strange but except for these 3 items I dun think I actually spent my money unnecessary.. but emm, all 3 are culprits.. so what to do, have to cut down... I hope there are some improvement in the next 6 weeks to come..

How is Chinese New Year for me? For a start, I worked on the 1st and 2nd day.. not that I really need to work but I figure that with the big groups of contractors working during this period, there is bound to be some safety issues coming up and boy am I right... when I tried to stop the work, I was told by the manager that he had paid the contractor a big sum of money to come in during chinese new year and this is the only time the machinery is not running.. so what do you expect me to do.. keep my fingers crossed and advise the contractors to work safety while hope for the best.. my management had said that the safety people are not flexible, always send e-mails and dun offer any assistance at all.. so I tried to work by giving verbal advice and what did I get.. people who dun listen or take to heart my advise and I was been forced to work their way which I know in the long run will give me work related sleeping loss.. dropped a mail to the management and see what they advise.. sound stupid but emm guess a mail works better than verbal..

I have clocked enough OT in the first week of this month as compared to the entire whole of last month.. good, this means I can clocked more OT for the rest of the month.. the money will come in handy especially when I have loans and bills to pay.. going to change my handphone plan this month as contract is up, cutting down to the 700 mins plan to the maybe 300 min one, this will saved me at least $40 monthly.. was thinking of getting a phone for resale when I renew my contract but emm, dunno which model to get and which is the most popular one now, dun wanna stuck with an expensive phone that I dun need...

Rest of the new year past by quickly.. got a sms from Zhu on sat afternoon informing me that she had sold all her firecrackers and fireworks..whatevet you called that.. she had shared with her friend to open a stall at the new year market selling firecrackers and fireworks.. and if you think it can't make much, you are wrong.. she made about $10000++ RMB in 10 days, almost 6 mths of her monthly wage of $1500RMB.. if only I have a chance to make such money in Singapore.. we had a good chat and then she asked me if got people to intro as she had a relative who want to marry to Singaporean.. then start mentioning about people who pay a sum of money to marry Singapore.. I teased her if she wanted to earn my money but introducing me a ger.. and make my point straight.. no other ger from China except her.. hahaha.. this kinda caught her in the midst.. but she continue bu saying if I want she can intro her friend to me.. emm.. hahaha.. nah.. I tell her.. no one else but her if I am given a choice..

Tomorrow is Monday.. the start of a new year.. a new working week.. emm.. there are so much things to do but so little time.. there are so much things to pay for but so little money.. emm, just have to stay positive and slogged on.. I am very sure this year will past by in a flash and soon it will be another Chinese New Year and hopefully this time I will have more money to spent on myself and give my parents.. have a great year ahead everyone..

Week 4 & 5

The past 2 weeks have been sort of challenging and busy for me.. There are lots of things I wanna write and share but emm will try to keep it short.

I got my taste of the new management as well the "US Company Chinese Management" approach in the last 2 weeks. I am quite lucky to get out of several difficult situation alive. For a start, I have several meetings with my new US boss and presented some stuff which the local management dun really wanna discussed about.. for reasons known to them.. and I thought this was a US company with an open approach.. no no.. it is a chinese company which expects their staff to always present the good side of things and leave the bad things aside (as in, you managed on your own, dun need to bring up). I am also profound by how important issues that need to be resolved can seemingly be reduced to a non-critical complaint by the local management in just a matters of minutes.. that is really an art by itself.. for one, I am happy with the new boss, he is more straight forward and open like most Americans, if there is a problem, bring it up and we discussed and try to resolve it instead of pushing around like our chinese culture.. but then, I also have my fair share of Americans who have learn to taiji things around.. it gonna take a while for me to learn but emm hope I managed to survive till then..

Work wise have been tight... but mostly trying to resolve people's problem rather than my own.. It doesn't pay to be helpful sometimes but emm, dun think I gonna elaborate on this... just that I am ashamed that I still behaved so naive at my age but emm, maybe it is becos I am too nice and sympathetic towards people's situation rather than giving more thought for my own well-being. Since my character is that way and I find it very hard to change, I guess I will just have to go on been naive and nice while trying to avoid getting into difficult situations.. Maybe due to the work or some personal issues, I am kinda short-tempered and flared up easily over small issues recently.. a lot of those have to do with my ego problem, especially when someone violates of challenge my authority.. emm... dunno how to manage this.. maybe try to avoid such situation by minding my own business and concentrate on doing my own things..

I dunno if I make a good friend to people I treat as friends.. I get worried too much about their well being until sometimes I get affected also.. be it with the friend who is becoming a father but isn't doing so well with his renovation business, the friend who work long hours without getting paid a dime extra, the friend who is worried about his studies and financial problems, the friend who just resigned and looking for a job in a similar line as me, the friend who just become an insurance agent and worried about about making ends meet... I dunno but emm, maybe it is my way of showing concern to them.. my approach may be too harsh.. the tone.. the messages.. the way I talk.. but emm, I hope they do understand.. I do care and I am worried when things dun go well for them... but then is things going well for me?

I can't say that I am happy with the ways thing are now.. for a start, I am still spending unnecessary.. although it is very much controlled but emm.. I have to have better control on determining the difference between "unnecessary" and "investment". I also take an easy view on my spending, giving myself the consolation that it is an investment worth making.. ya.. maybe that is why I am in such shit situation now.. but emm.. at the present moment, I am managing but barely.. have to have better control..

A lot of people asked me about me and Zhu.. all I can say is that we will let nature takes its course.. I am not putting in much hope in it which is probably why I am pumping in so many OT hours or activities to keep my mind occupied.. Just had a chat with Zhu after about 2 weeks, have a good long chat.. if you asked me what I prefer.. 2 short chats a week or a nice long chat every 2 weeks.. I think I would prefer the long chat... having a friend to chat and listen to you is hard to come by, less say one from the opposite sex.. no matter what.. I will cherished this relationship I am having with Zhu now.. as a very good friend..

Chinese New Year is just days away and yes, I am glad I will be working from the 1st to 3rd day.. not that I really need to work but emm.. I want to.. cos I have to keep my mind occupied and also the extra money will come in handy.. I did not send out any cards this year, been wanting to do so but just cannot find the "time" to do so.. an excuse again.. emm, something just come to my mind.. when I was in the insurance business, my dear manager, Edwin, will always asked us what we planned to do for the week.. I will tell him I planned to do this and this and this.. he will then asked me.. what am I doing now... since I am not doing anything now... why not do what I planned to do now? Complicated? I dun suppose so.. what he tried to instill in our mind is time is precious.. why not action now when you have the time instead of pondering over what you "planned" to do.. Happy Lunar New Year Everyone.. May everyone have a happy and prosperous new year!